Here are a few of my limericks. Some are about philosophy, some attempt serious subjects, a few are political, and others are of the traditional rude variety. (My feeling about the last type is they work best when they combine verbal finesse with extreme crudity of content, so please don’t read them if you’re don’t like that kind of thing.)


St Anselm said, ‘Look, we agree
God’s perfect as perfect can be.
But a thing that’s not real
Is far from ideal
So God must exist. QED.’

Stove-side René cried out, ‘Well, by gum!
I have hit on a neat rule of thumb:
If it’s possible to doubt,
Then cast it right out’
And was left with ‘cogito’ and ‘sum’.

Of tar water taking a sip, he
Said, ‘Listen, I know this sounds dippy,
But the whole of creation
Is pure ideation
And esse is simply percipi.’

Immanuel said, ‘World and mind
Aren’t separate but deeply entwined.
A concept is vacant
Sans percept to take in ‘t,
And percept sans concept is blind.’


When your body’s decayed to mere bone
You’ll still live and you’ll reap what you’ve sown,
And the place where you’ll dwell
Isn’t heaven or hell
But the hearts of the people you’ve known.


In Britain we use the word ‘Trump’
For gas that’s expelled from the rump.
In America too
It pertains to the loo
But there it denotes a big dump.

As he trekked through the African gloom,
Stanley heard nasal tones calling doom
On the Jews and their nation
And he cried with elation,
‘At last — Livingstone, I presume!’


Caesar’s wife said ‘A pound to a penny
You’ve been fucking that slave girl called Jenny.’
Great Caesar replied,
‘It’s true that I tried,
But though vidi et vici non veni.’

A synesthete called Mrs Muller
Would classify fucks by their color.
Her lover’s were blue
(Pantone 312)
But her husband’s were very much duller.

A bashful young lady of Nantes
Said to her husband, ‘I can’t.
I know others do it
But they live to rue it;
Say what you like but I shan’t.’

There was a young lady of Crete
Who used to rub fish on her feet.
It helped to disguise
The smell from her thighs
Which grew awfully strong in the heat.

The wife of King Minos of Knossos
Said, ‘The men here are all tossers.
They’re fat, bald, and smelly
And have a big belly
And want to do nothing but boss us.’