Here are a few of my limericks — philosophical, reflective, political, and rude.


Plato said, ‘You’re all stuck in a cave,
Seeing shadows of copies folk wave.
So escape and enjoy
The world of εἰδοί,
Then go spread the word — if you’re brave.’

Jesus said, ‘You don’t need to be clever
Or learn rules and rites; just endeavour
To love God and each other,
Treat your foe as your brother,
And we’ll all live in Heaven forever.’

St Anselm said, ‘Look, we agree
God’s perfect as perfect can be.
But a thing that’s not real
Is far from ideal
So God must exist. QED.’

As he sat by the stove on his bum,
Descartes hit on a neat rule of thumb:
‘If it’s possible to doubt,
Then cast it right out.’
Which left cogito and, ergo, sum.

That Leibniz guy, he had some gonads!
He said people are windowless monads
With their future all packed in
–There’s no interacting —
We’re all just preharmonized nomads!

George Berkeley, though hardly a hippie,
Propounded a view that’s quite trippy:
The whole of creation
Is pure ideation,
And esse is simply percipi.

Immanuel said, ‘World and mind
Aren’t separate but deeply entwined.
A concept is vacant
Sans percept to take in ‘t,
And percept sans concept is blind.’

Freud said, ‘If your life is all fucked up,
It’s because your brain functioning’s mucked up
By rendering dormant
Your childhood torment.
Talk it out and you’ll soon feel quite bucked up!”

An Austrian chap called Karl Popper
Said ‘Confirming’s a bad modus oper-
-andi for science
So end your compliance
And falsify things good and proper.’

–Mary’s Lament–
Though I’ve mapped every neuronal spike (yes!)
And read all of the relevant psych, guess
I’ll never find out
This thing they can’t doubt
The ineffable what-it-is-likeness.

David Chalmers said, ‘Folks, here’s the deal:
The world that you see and you feel —
Well, all of its its
Could be made out of bits,
But don’t be alarmed — they’re still real!


When your body’s decayed to mere bone
You’ll still live and you’ll reap what you’ve sown,
And the place where you’ll dwell
Isn’t heaven or hell
But the hearts of the people you’ve known.

–Asylum Seekers–
An asylum’s a place where you flee
When you are not safe and not free,
Where people will care
And invite you to share,
And we all seek asylum, don’t we?

Life’s like opening a new doc in Word,
Where you write everything that’s occurred,
With no way to undo,
A blue screen always due,
And the save function off; it’s absurd!

And when you are done and click ‘Exit’
With a surplus of words or a def’cit,
Then your friends scan the file
With a tear or a smile,
And the coroner pdfs it.

You’re set on a ladder at birth,
And you climb it for all you are worth,
Hoping that, at the top,
All your suffering will stop;
And it will, for you’ll fall back to earth.

If there’s something you need to complete,
But you’re hampered by doubt and cold feet,
Remember that Fate
Doesn’t procrastinate;
Her deadline is one you will meet.


See the In family tree’s bitter fruit:
There was Len, and then Stal, and now Put.
They’re natural dictators,
Who intimidate us,
And those they can’t scare, the Ins shoot.

Though he counted his wealth dawn to dusk
Life seemed to Elon but a husk,
And it made him so bitter
That he went and bought Twitter
And turned its blue bird to subfusc.

How we loved to tweet out a long spiel on
Ourselves and embark with great zeal on
Political quarrels
And critiques of folk’s morals
But our playground’s been sold off to Elon!


A synesthete lady called Ulla
Would classify fucks by their colour.
Her lover’s were blue
(Pantone 312)
But her husband’s were very much duller.

Pompeia told hubby, ‘There’s many
Say you’re screwing that Greek girl, Parthene.’
Great Caesar replied,
‘It’s true that I tried,
But though vidi and vici non veni.’

There was a young lady called Spitz
Who used to rub Vick on her elbows
Thus, her soapy back rubs
Not only earned thanks
But relived her own asthmatic fits.

A bashful young lady of Nantes
Replied to her husband, ‘I can’t.
I know others do it
But they live to rue it;
You say what you like but I shan’t.’

— [æ] vs [ɑː] —
Up north we say gr[æ]ss and not gr[ɑː]ss
As you lot say m[æ]ss and not m[ɑː]ss
We don’t want to p[æ]ss
As one of your cl[æ]ss
You can shove your long As up your [ɑː]ss